he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
