i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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