my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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