She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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