she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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