dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
