elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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