i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
