Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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