gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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