I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
