we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
