I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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