Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
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