Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
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