you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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