I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
