cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
