I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
