I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
