and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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