I'm really into asian looking animals
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
