my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
BRING THE BAGELS
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
