She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
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