One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
