we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
