Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
nut hugger
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
