I'd wear matching sweaters with you
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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