I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Randomize
