I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
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If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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