and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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