When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
