yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
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Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
He's on the porch naked. Help.
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