Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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