Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
