I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
