Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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