i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
