She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
