just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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