I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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