I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
