Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
