It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
