She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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