You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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