No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
