I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls