I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy