so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear