if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
