My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
