Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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