Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
