My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
