The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
