my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
