mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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